Calling all boy addicts! Its ok to be alone.

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Happy Sunday.  I’ve been thinking about this one a lot this past week as someone at my job shared with me that she hates being alone.  She hates it so much, that she talks to people on her commute home from work when she is alone in her car.  I’m not sure she is a boy addict, but in hearing her I have thought about my own life and what a struggle it is for me to be with myself and to enjoy my own company.  So I suspect for myself this is a symptom of my boy addiction.

During one of my more recent longer term relationships, there was literally complete emotional neglect from him in terms of my feelings.  I finally pulled up my “big girl panties” and got the courage to tell him I’d rather be alone than feel this neglect.  This was super hard for me as our relationship had a “routine” and I was terrified to break this routine.  (I’m finding in my middle years I love routines).    He totally never understood what I was trying to tell him about needing more sensitivity toward my feelings.   His ego was way too large and in his mind “why would any woman not want to be with him?”.  Trust me, he lived far away and was a ton of work including tolls and gas money.  I was doing myself a huge favor by leaving.

I am grateful to him today because he taught me that my alone time has allowed me to grow and evolve into a more self actualized human being who actually loves herself.  I take care of my mind, soul, and body even more than in the past.    I ran 18 miles today as a “run walk” which felt really good on my joints, I recently lost 15 pound on my calorie counting program, I sing in my church choir, I take vitamins and drink loads of water and eat healthy (love to cook)  and I volunteer to help others (along with doing it at my job caring for sick and elderly people).  I began writing to be “in my own head” more and I must say I LOVE IT.  The feedback I’m getting is so inspiring, keeps me going.

I’m doing so much with my life that I BARELY miss the boy.  But I must admit (as this is truth-telling) that I still crave the boy.  Perhaps when my craving comes to a complete end, the man will “appear”?  What do you think?

Thanks for reading.  Hope you have a wonderful week spent with some “you” time….

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“What is Hot?'” – perspectives from a self proclaimed “boy addict”

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I want to start today’s blog by thanking my “man” friend of over 20 years, Mike, for inspiring me to tackle this most uncomfortable topic.  Mike urged me this past week to explain to him “what is hot” in a “boy/man”.  To respond the Mike’s question superficially, it is easy to say things like “he has good cheek bones” or “strong arms” or “tall”, but for a “boy addict” such as myself, trying to explain “hot” goes to a much deeper level.  It’s like asking an alcoholic to explain why their drink of choice tastes “so good”, or asking a drug addict why their next fix is so attractive and “needed”.  But I think it important to “dive” into Mike’s question, so here goes:

I could write for hours, Mike, on the topic of what you call “hot”, but instead of going on and on, I promise you will be one of the first to receive a copy of my book.  Here are some “teasers” for you, before I publish.  “Boy hotness” involves self destructive qualities for me to  include such toxic things like “emotional unavailability in my relationship with the boy” and  “self sacrifice to include damaging my health (both mental and physical)  for the sake of a boy”.

I did my first “public” reading this week from my book “Tales of a Boy Addict”.  When I got up to the microphone and described that I am a self proclaimed “boy addict” two men in the audience immediately proclaimed out loud that they are “boys”.  When I was done reading, one gentleman approached me to tell me that when I am done with “boys”, he is a man!  While I enjoyed the commentary, I realized the need to explain my addiction on a deeper level.

For me, “boy” addiction is about “needing” that member of the opposite sex to feel whole in my life.  In fact, the need is so powerful that I have “settled” for so many “boys” in my past, that I’m able to easily write an entire book on my “boy”  stories.  Since addiction is transferable, many of you know I’m currently a running addict and I can tell you quite simply that when I crossed the finish line after my first marathon, my immediate thought was “I did all of this work to cross this finish line and it didn’t involve a member of the opposite sex in any way, it was all me!”  For me, in my life, this was a first.  I had found a passion that didn’t involve a boy/man.  And I continue to love my running.

As I age more deeply into my “middle years”, I am truly getting more comfortable in my own skin and in my own life.  It would be nice to finally “meet the man” who compliments me and doesn’t necessarily need to “fill my needy holes in my soul”.  Deep stuff, I know.

So thanks MIke…To be continued….have a great Sunday and enjoy the birth of spring….

Keep your money in your purse….it’s his job to pay!

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Happy Sunday. I must warn you up front, I just completed my 4th Annual NY City Half Marathon, so I’m a bit tired and “edgy” which is why I feel ready to “tackle” this very important topic if you are dating. I understand it is a bit controversial among both the boy/men and the women I discuss this with, but I feel VERY strongly about the fact that when you are meeting a boy/man for the first time, you must let him pay. Here is why:

1. IT IS SPIRITUAL! You may think I’m “crazy” in saying this, but on a spiritual level where gender roles are critical, it is so important that the boy/man “feel” like a boy/man. How do they feel their masculinity? By being the caretaker and the provider to the female. Women, if you take your money out of your pocket, you are taking away his so very important gender role. Don’t leave him feeling less of a man. Very bad for the spiritual connection between you two that you are trying to develop.

2. Letting him pay AFFIRMS YOUR ROLE AS THE MOST VALUABLE WOMAN YOU ARE! You are gorgeous, smart, worthy of being treated like the Queen that you are. Let him know this by allowing him to treat you. He must sense that he is out with a person of value, worthy of being treated. Please make sure he thinks this NO MATTER WHAT. Keep your money in your pocket or your value as a woman runs the risk of diminishing in his boy/man mind.

Then, make sure after your first date of coffee, he asks you out for dinner or dinner and a movie, or theater, or something more substantial for the next date AND YET AGAIN, HE PAYS. No money offered gals, PLEASE, not even the tip.

If things are going well, of course you can treat on the 4th or 5th date. Always nice to make him a home cooked meal. More important is to give time, time. Nuff said.

Happy Dating. Happy Sunday. Thanks for reading.

He’s perfect – we are having GREAT dates – seems to be a match – FINALLY! Wait…he’s back on line?

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For all of you internet daters out there, I know you know what I’m talking about in the title of this week’s blog – I have actually been accused by my best friend of being an “internet stalker”, but the truth is that “yes” I pay the extra $8 on one of the dating sites to remain anonymous. This allows me to look and see that the person I’m dating is still going on-line and looking at other women per my assumption (he cannot see on-line that I’m looking at him). BOY IS THIS DISHEARTENING! WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH? And the worse part is that I cannot tell the person I am dating that I know what he is up too because he will think I’m internet “stalking” him. NOT COOL per my best friend. My ego is at stake you know. I get it.

Now I’m sure some of you reading this might say “Leslie, can’t he do the same thing and see that you are on-line too?” The simple answer is “yes”. Please allow me to make a case and point, as I recently ended dating a boy/man I really liked because I couldn’t bear that he wasn’t “so into me” that he couldn’t wait to get off line and start a real relationship with me. He was clearly still looking.

For example, one night we were chatting and I asked him if he could call me back later that night. He said “yes”, but then I didn’t hear from him. No return phone call as promised. The next night he called me to say he was so tired that he fell asleep. And yet, of course my internet “stalking” allowed me to see he was on-line about 10 p.m. that night! Why didn’t he call me back? Why did he want to keep looking?

Another time I had the audacity to ask him to check out my blog (which I am proud of) and he said “Oh, Leslie, I’m so busy with my job that I really don’t have time to be on-line too much”. Guess what folks? That very same night I saw he was on-line on that darn dating site about 11 p.m.!

As I am writing this, I am SO CONFIDENT he is not reading my blog as he is too busy surfing the dating sites, that I’m pretty comfortable blogging about him. And heck, if you are reading this “Mr. Too Busy” – you now know I’m an internet “stalker”. Heck, the fact that he is a boy/man, if he really does read this, he may actually want me more now!!!! LOL (doubtful)

The moral of this story is I finally “took my cue” and bowed out gracefully. It was the “nicest”, most civilized break ups I’ve ever had with a boy/man. Very, very pleasant as a matter of fact. So I wish him “happy surfing” – and I wish this for myself.

Thanks for reading….another Sunday for blogging and for sharing truth telling about my internet dating…

Be a “kind” internet dater….a story of caring for the soul I am on a date with

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Those of you who know me well, know spirituality is a big part of my life. I feel compelled today to blog about a specific story in my internet dating life where I felt that being a “good person” and caring for the “soul” I am on the date brought positive energy back to me. (called the “mirror effect” in many spiritual teachings – basically – you get back the energy you give out).

So here is my story: I knew instantly that our meet up wasn’t a love connection when I walked into my local favorite coffee shop (the one with the drive-through that I frequent daily – my “drive through drug dealer” – for my caffeine high). I knew because he was already sitting down with his “Venti” in front of him as I came in and recognized him immediately. A boy/man buying his coffee and sitting down is a major “dating don’t” for me especially when I texted him that I arrived “on time”. I feel it is the boy/man’s duty to be ready to buy the woman a cup of coffee as she walks into the shop. It is chivalrous (and chivalry is attractive women!). Clearly, this boy/man had failed my “second date potential” test. And failed badly. For as I sat down in front of him for over an awkward minute or two of silence, he never stood up to make a move to buy me a cup. NOTHING. As I sat across from him, looking at him, waiting for him to buy me a cup (which he never did), I couldn’t help but noticed he had a twitch. A pretty bad one that was quite obvious and a bit uncomfortable. His movement in his face was so “jerky” that is almost made me feel the impulse to mimic him quite unintentionally. It was powerful. And I thought a bit sad for him perhaps. But he was attractive. And smart.

And as I walked to the counter to buy my own cup of coffee, I thought to myself “under normal circumstances Leslie, it is wrong that he didn’t get up and buy you a cup and you should just walk out of this shop and leave him alone, but if you walk out of this shop right now, he will think it is because of his “disability” and for me, it really wasn’t. It was about a boy/man being polite and treating a woman like a woman. So I bought myself a “Grande” and sat back down in front of him.

And we had an engaging conversation. Not enough to convince me that I wanted to go out with him again, but a nice conversation. Nice enough, that he did text me a few days later and ask me out for a second cup of coffee!!! LOL (normally, should be dinner – but I thought perhaps he planned to buy my “Grande” this time). Upon reading his text, I took a deep breathe and prayed that God would give me the courage to be truth telling and text him back in all honesty. So I did. I texted the following:

“Hi John Doe! Thank you for your invitation for another cup of coffee, however I feel we are not a match. I must be honest and explain that I believe on a first date, the man should always buy the woman a cup of coffee. I found this to be a big turn off for me and I just cannot get past it. I am telling you just as friendly advice for future dating. You are an attractive and smart man and I wish you the best in your search. Leslie”

I took another deep breathe and hit send. And you know what? Here is what I got back…

“Hi Leslie. Thank you. It was nice to meet you too. I appreciate your honesty and advice and I will absolutely take it into consideration for my future dating. Best of luck to you. John Doe”

I was amazed! A positive outcome. Dating is fun. And kindness matters. Be good to the soul you go out with and take your time…

YOU ARE DATING STRANGERS, but we learn from every soul we come into contact with. Thanks for reading. Happy Sunday.