A story of a boy who moved too fast…

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Happy Sunday. By the time I post this, I will be in London with a dear friend for over 20 years – my 20 something “partner in crime” who went off and married an English man and had children and has resided in London for over 10 years. Cannot complain about my vacations…

As I promised a “juicy story” (since I noticed my stories getting a bit dull lately), I decided to blog about the boy who moved too fast. I have many “boy who move too fast” stories. This has taught me (and my best girlfriends remind me) that any boy who moves “too fast” will most likely result in disaster.

He was very cute. As fate would have it, this was a “second first date”. We had met back in 2010 over coffee at my very same favorite coffee place. At that time, we had met on a different internet dating site. When he found me a second time, I had long since forgotten him. After our first coffee meet up, I never heard from him again. But he remembered me and was eager to reconnect. It wasn’t until half way though our “coffee small talk” that he pointed out we had met there many years prior. Well, “how romantic” I said to myself. He had his placed his “hook”.

So we began. But on our second date (Valentines Day) he handed me a lovely box with a gorgeous necklace from a nice “brand name” jewelry store. I thought to myself, when that pretty box with the pretty bow was placed on the table in front of me, “wow a bit soon”. I took it no less. What girl doesn’t love a gorgeous heart necklace for Valentine’s Day?

The first sign I got something was “not quite right” with his behavior, was over a lunch date. I am a “hand talker” and I made a pointing gesture to him in my animated conversation (oh story-teller that I am) and he flinched and shot me a “look of death” and exclaimed “never point at me”. I was startled and took a deep breath and explained to him that since we are still newly getting to know each other, I will be more careful with my hand gestures. Next, I kindly asked him to approach me a bit more gently when something bothers him in the future. He agreed and we continued on.

I knew in my “gutt” that something was “not quite right”. I even shared with one of my many “sage” girlfriends that perhaps there was an issue of “mental illness”, but too soon to tell.

It was the plan we had to meet in NY City that tipped my fears right “over the ledge”. I had an appointment in the City, and suggested we meet at 3:00. We both live in Westchester, but he wanted to come into the City and take me out. We mutually agreed that 3:00 was the perfect time for both of us. As my appointment came to an end at 2:30, I looked at my phone and noticed I hadn’t received a text from him confirming he was on his way. (a habit we had quickly become accustomed too). So I text him “are you on your way”. After about 15 minutes, nothing. So I called him and nothing. Finally at 2:55 the phone rang. “I am still home, I was in the middle of something very important”.

Upon hearing this, I now was very angry. After all, I was in the City expecting a 3:00 meet up and he in Westchester hadn’t even left his house yet. I have learned to always take a deep breath when I am angry and try to calm myself and speak from the heart with calmness when addressing an emotional issue with a boy. So I simply said “(boy name), I am here waiting for you in the City and I simply need for you to know that my time is equally as precious as your time. In the future, I would very much appreciate a “heads up” if you are running late”.

With out a hesitation, the profanity began flying out of his mouth to an extreme and very loud level. I was completely shocked and caught off guard at his unexpected and “over the top” rant. I have also learned when someone “flips the psycho switch” that fast, I should simply move away. It was winter time and my fingers were cold, so the touch screen hang up button on my phone wasn’t cooperating very quickly and as I attempted to hang up I could still hear his rage: “I could take my phone and hit you on your head with it” was what I heard yelled out. Well, fortunately, I was able to successfully hang up and MOVE ON!

Fortunately, after only a few “leave me alone” texts from me, he did disappear. The point of this blog is not to criticize a boy who most likely suffers from mental illness issues, but to simply point out that any boy who brings you gorgeous jewelry on a second date is MOVING TOO FAST. I always remind my women in the internet dating world that we are meeting strangers and it takes a long time to really get to know someone. In addition, actions always speak much louder than words.

And always remember in the wise words of Maya Angelou: “When a person shows you who they are, believe them”.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day and thank you as always for reading.

Dating is great for your self-esteem…

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Another Sunday and some more dating wisdom I have discovered on my dating journey. Since I a self proclaimed “professional” dater, I have decided that dating over the years has been terrific for my self-esteem. My wise running partner and sage (who at age 64 just completed her 44th marathon) loves to hear my dating stories and offer her words of wisdom. She once pointed out to me, upon my telling her a boy I attempted to date referred to me as “full of myself”, that she was very proud of me. According to her, a boy telling me I am “full of myself” means I have learned to love myself enough to assert my wants, my needs and my desires. She agreed with me that when my “man” arrives, he will be so pleased to meet a woman who is “full of herself” as this means I have improved my self-esteem to the level I’m ready to meet him. Here are some examples of how dating has helped me improve my self-esteem.

I insist to the boy/man before our first date the way I want it to go. I let him know I prefer an hour over coffee as this is a “no pressure” meet up. Very little money gets spent and it gives me and the boy/man I am on the date with a chance to decide if there is even going to be enough chemistry to go on a “full-blown date”. At times, I do stray from the “coffee meet up”, but only if I’d had a really horrible day and need that glass of wine to relax. After all, dating is all about my wants and needs in the now…

I get to talk about what has made me a better person over the years while on my dates. Boy, does this feel good for me. Not only am I letting the boy/man know that I am an evolved, powerful woman, but in hearing the words come out of my mouth, I am reminding myself. I have a great job, I earned a Master’s Degree, I have amazing family and friends, I travel to interesting places, I belong to a great church, I volunteer a lot to help others, I run marathons, I lost 60 pounds in a year, I write, blog, and tell great stories – WOW – in hearing all of this come out of my mouth I think to myself “darn, I am a catch”…

I practice my listening skills. This is hard for me, as I am a talker with a very quick thinking mind that usually is going much faster than what is going on around me. I have been accused of not being a good listener by several people and I am very aware that this is a skill I really need to sharpen in myself. So thank you boy/men. Listening to you tell me about your life is practice for me in “slowing down” and sharpening up the listening skills…

There are many other examples of why dating boy/men is great for my self-esteem. Learning to say “no” and to take care of myself. Learning to give “time, time” and reminding him that “all good things come to those who wait”. There is no reason to move quickly boy/men. As I know I am worth it…

Happy Sunday. Thanks as always for reading…

Things my cat offers me that I pray for in my man…

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missy

Happy Mother’s Day! So many this week wished me a Happy Mother’s Day for being a “Mom” to my beloved Missy who has been my “child” for over 14 years. I had to put her sister Melanie to sleep last year (Dec. 10 to be exact) and this is a day I will never forget. Truly the hardest thing I EVER had to do in my life. More traumatic than my divorce (after all, I wanted him gone). Once it was over, she sent me signs from the other side that she was happy and in peace, and I knew I did the right thing, BUT “oh the agony” of making a decision to end the life of my “oldest child”.

So here I am, left with my Missy (a.k.a. “Mommy’s baby”). As I sit here tonight with her by my side, I feel I owe it to her and to myself to reflect on all the wonderful gifts she offers me everyday that I can only hope to find when I one day find “my man” and am completely done with “boys”. So in the following enumerations, I will outline these gifts as I dedicate this to my only living “child” who I am blessed to be a “Mother” to. The gifts are many:

1. She loves me unconditionally. How GREAT would this be to find with a man in a loving relationship? To Missy, I CAN DO NO WRONG. Even when I don’t get out of bed to feed her in the a.m. and she is climbing all over me and knocking things off my bedside table to get me up, she accepts that I need time to wake up, stumble into the bathroom, make my coffee and get around to feeding her. She simply stays right by my side and purrs a whole lot until that wet food (nasty as it is) hits the floor and she digs in. What is better than the looks I get from her when I come home at night that say “I am so happy to see you” and “I just want to be with you”? What would be better than getting this from my man?

2. She worships me like I am the one and only in her universe. Come on now, we all have a fondness when another living creature thinks we are the “sun, the moon and the stars”. I always joke that to Missy, I am her “God”. She acknowledges me in a way that beyond me, there can be no one else. She needs to be by my side from the second I walk in until the second I leave the apartment. I sometimes think there is a little “shrine” she has made to “worship me” hidden in the closet somewhere. I always wonder what she does when she crawls into those dark spaces in the very back of the closet where I cannot see. Heck, even as I try to write this blog, she is all over me, trying to mess up my typing, pressing her head against my hands, hoping for some scratching. Well, perhaps from a man this would be almost a little “too much” attention. But what the heck…I am willing to try it out.

3. Any meal I serve her she devours like it is her last I don’t even have to cook for her. Just open a can, add some luke warm water, mix and down to the floor. She thinks I am “America’s Next Top Chef”.
Imagine preparing meals for my “man” in this fashion? I know this one is too much to ask from any human, but dare to dream…

4. She NEVER complains about my messes. In fact, my Missy likes my messy bed. It is the best place for her to cuddle up in. She also loves rolling around on my un-vacuumed floor (especially if I have messed it up with her cat nip “kitty drugs”). She rolls around on the carpet and never asks me to clean up. In fact, she is quite proud of the stench she makes in her litter box and NEVER expects me to clean up after her (but I must admit, in order to keep my roommate from moving out, I do scoop up after her pretty quickly – but she never asks). Now, if only I could teach Missy to clean up after me. This is DEFINITELY my hope for my man…

5. She is so “chill” to have around. When I am with Missy, I am always relaxed. She sits quietly with me, watches the TV shows I like to watch, goes to sleep when I want to go to sleep, cuddles on the bed with me when I want to rest, even waits next to the bath tub with me while I take a bath. How nice would it be to have a man who is “chill” and keeps me relaxed???

So in saying all of these things, I acknowledge that much of this is said in jest. But to add a “Grandma Ruthism” she would always say “many a truth is said in jest”. If I could simply get a least 50% of the qualities I write about above, I would most certainly know I was with “my man” and not a boy…

And for all of you mothers out there who are unconditionally loving, God-like, accepting, great cooks and housekeepers, non-complainers, and “chill” – THANK YOU! You most certainly know who you are. May you be blessed with the men in your lives or with the ones who are on their way to you as you most certainly deserve true “men”. As do I!!!

And to my Missy, thanks for “keeping it real” until he comes…What would we do without our pets???

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! Thank you for reading…

What happens when your married girlfriend helps you internet date…

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Happy Sunday. So about a week ago, I was at one of my best girlfriend’s homes for a glass of wine (she is a hard-working mother of little ones and loves when I come over for that glass to share with her) and she asked me “can I take a look at your dating website and pick a boy for you?”

It didn’t take me long to say “sure” – after all, I have scrolled through the 100’s of faces and profiles over the years, mostly clicking “next”…I thought it might be fun to give my dearest friend of over 20 years a shot at picking “Mr. Right” for me. She was so very excited. Like a “kid in a candy store” so to speak. I hadn’t stopped to consider that after many years of marriage, my dear girlfriend had absolutely “no clue” about the “trials and tribulations” of internet dating. I was just in the moment with her, and in no way, shape or form wanted to arrest her burning desire to find my “man”.

So off she went…of course after I set her up with a view of what the site referred to as “my matches”. I’ve come to learn over the years, that there really is no magic formula for “my match” and the site will eventually send you to every hot-blooded male with a pulse who may fall into your age range (well at least the 10 year older ones and the 20 year younger ones, as these seem to be the ones I’m most popular with – go figure). She scrolled for a while until she found her “perfect” man – “Chad” (I always change the names to protect the innocent and the guilty) – turns out in an odd twist of fate that “Chad” has the same name as her husband. He was very cute in his picture, per my girlfriend, about her age, had an awesome sense of humor (just like my girlfriend), referred to Billy Joel as the “iceberg of lettuce of rock n roll” and he went as far as to insult the Dave Matthews Band so badly that I cannot repeat what he said (I keep this blog clean enough for my Dad to read). Now, for those of you who know me personally, you know I am the world’s biggest DMB fan. Why would my married girlfriend pick this boy for me? I quickly realized she had picked the “perfect” guy for her!!!!! So, I gave her the go ahead to click everything she could to get his attention on the net. She clicked all the “likes” and “stars” and “winks” she possibly could. She even typed a personal message too him, pretending it was from me. My girl was so excited for this potential “match up” that she was euphoric. I found it amusing as I too felt this sense of euphoria the first time I found my “one” in my internet dating which began many years ago.

So we finished our wine, and I said goodnight to my girlfriend and I went home and fell sound asleep with my trusty cat Missy by my side. The next morning, I got up, ran, drank my coffee, got into the car to drive to work (my regular morning routine) and I heard my cell phone ringing. “Why the heck is my girlfriend calling me at 8 a.m. on a work day” – this was somewhat out of the ordinary. I picked up the call and said “hello” only to hear “well, did he respond?” I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop. My poor married girlfriend is so new to this world of “surfing for boys” and it was tough to “burst her bubble” about internet dating, but with all my years of experience I felt I had a “sisterhood obligation” to do just this. So I responded “oh, my good friend, my young “Jedi”, you will come to learn in the world of internet dating there is no “Chad””. She sounded confused, so I continued. I explained that I am convinced the sites put a few “ringers” on there to make us think “Mr. Wonderful” is just around the corner as long as we keep “clicking”. I encouraged her to keep helping me find him and I reassured her there will be more “Mr. Wonderfuls” for me. I warned her that she should be careful not to get her heart set on anyone for me for at least 6 months – the texting, e-mailing, phone interviews, coffee meet ups, dinner dates, daring to form a relationship and go off the net… All different stages of my Internet dating. A long and drawn out process to say the least. I also reminded her to hug her husband because we all know that no one is “perfect” and if we have found someone we can spend many years with we should absolutely be grateful. She paused for a moment, laughed a lot, and whole heartedly agreed.

As for me, I continue my search. Grateful for good friends who are so spirited in joining in this journey along side of me. I dedicate this blog to you my friend – I always tell you – without you, I wouldn’t be alive (bless you) and all my “lifesavers” in my journey…

HAPPY SUNDAY…Thanks for reading.