Internet Dating in Middle Age…Its Complicated

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Happy Sunday.   I have been very busy at my annual professional conference including leading a 7 a.m. run, but must blog before bed.   In fact, a few conference goers are admittedly readers so I cannot let my professional peers down.   Happy to have readers!   So what I have learned in my middle age dating life is simply “it’s complicated”…

Middle age dating complications arise so frequently they are worth discussing.   You meet and there is no attraction.  He may look too old or out of shape or like my grandfather.  In one such case, when I met him at my favorite coffee shop, I looked down at his shoes and he was wearing white tennis sneakers with Velcro closures.  Yes, Velcro shoe laces…the kind small children or old folks use when they are unable to tie laces.  This was an instant “no go” for me, but I did muster up the one hour obligatory coffee date to be polite.

You meet and there is attraction, but his life is a disaster.   He may be broke, stuck with huge bills from his ex-life.  I realize physical attraction was the “be and end all in my 20’s”, but in my 40’s I’m thinking more about my future life and simply wanting a man who may be able to afford to help make our lives comfortable.  As a good friend of mine who is single in middle age said to me, “Leslie, you don’t want to be a nurse or a purse”.    Boy is that the truth!

You meet the boy who’s so damaged from his ex-life that he cannot be there for you fully.  He’s stuck in his past and you as his future is just not in the cards.   I’m fortunate that my ex-life is so far in my past that I’m truly “baggage free” simply waiting for my man to be ready for a “lighter load” with me.

I said to my father recently that I was so sure life got easier with age and he cracked up.   I have learned it is simply the opposite.   Life is hard.   With age, complications grow.  But so does wisdom.   My dating wisdom is deep and my dates are complicated.  But I am certain when my man reveals himself he will “keep it simple”.   Dare to dream….

Thank you for reading.

Giving the good boy a chance…A funny internet dating story

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Happy Sunday.  As promised, it is once again time to offer up a funny internet dating story.   I was chatting with a boy from off of a popular internet dating site.  He was wholesome looking, almost “nerdy”.  He reminded me of the boy who starred in the classic film “A Christmas Story”…you know, the “I’ll shoot your eye out” kid?  While having a phone conversation, I mentioned to him my friend lived in the same town he lived in.  We quickly discovered my friend was his neighbor!  In fact, she was single at the time and he had asked her out once during a snowstorm as he helped her shovel her driveway!

So needless to say, as soon as I got off the phone with him, I phoned my friend to get the story.  She said to me these very important words:  “Oh, Leslie, he’s a good guy (not my type), but I think you should give the good guy a chance”.  And so I did.

We had 2 very nice dates.  The first was coffee and the second was dinner and a comedy show.  He was doing well.  Conversation flowed and we seemed to enjoy each other’s company.  However, I wasn’t sure I could get past the “nerdy” appearance.  So I accepted date #3 to a lovely fancy restaurant for dinner along the Hudson River.  It was a nice dinner and once again good conversation.  After dinner, he suggested we go for a stroll along the river.  I accepted.

During the stroll, he stopped to smooch with me and while the kiss wasn’t awful, I simply didn’t feel the spark.  I planned to make this the last date (in my mind).  But right after the kiss, he said the dreaded words I NEVER EXPECTED:  “So Leslie, your place or mine”!  I took a deep breath and told him that we were only on a third date and I still needed more time to get to know him and to feel comfortable.  With that he said, “Well I hope you decide soon because I’m not going to wait too long”!  OMG!  I WAS SHOCKED!  This is giving the good boy a chance?

With that I simply asked him to take me home.  I think he realized he “messed up” because he seemed very uncomfortable on the car ride home.  I was extremely uncomfortable.  Now for the “Leslie is shameless” part of the story.   (but I promise honesty in my blog).  As we drove down my street in my town, I asked him to buy me a glass of wine at my local bar.  And he did!  And as we left this establishment, he asked if he could “walk me home” and I answered “no, you can drive me”.  I really think if I had walked with him, he intended to find his way into my apartment.  NO DICE NICE BOY.

I never saw him again.  My friend was shocked and chuckled and simply suggested he had “no game.”  I’m not sure I’m proud to say I did have “my game on” because I squeezed out one more free glass of wine from him.  Helped with the stress!

LOL

Not sure what the lesson is in this one, except perhaps beware of the nice boy ladies.  And gentleman, if you think you are getting the good girl back to her home after a third date,  think twice.  And bring extra cash for that night-cap!

Thanks for reading.

There is life beyond boys…

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 Happy Sunday. Happy internet dating.  Since I have been blogging about internet dating and boy addiction recovery, I have realized there truly is life beyond boys.  This week, in a post on Facebook, I alluded to the fact that life for me is challenging at the moment and almost immediately someone responded that it must be about the “boys”.  Well, I’m happy to say IT WAS NOT!  My post was simply about my other life challenges.  The person who posted got me thinking that because I am a boy addict, it is quite a normal reaction for one of my readers to assume this.

I responded to her that this Sunday I would write about life beyond boys.  

Now that I consider myself attempting to recover from boy addiction, I have to constantly remind myself that I have an entire life separate from boys.  Boys and internet dating is quite simply one aspect of my world.  I work, I run, I write and I focus on my family and friends who are the world to me.  In fact, boys truly are less of a focus for me today.  WOW!  Did I really say that?

Those of you who have known me for a long time, know that as part of my boy addiction, when I have met a new boy I have immediately taken on his passions – my love of the Dave Matthews Band is because of a boy, my devastating relocation to Los Angeles California was because of a boy, my choice of my college was because of a boy!  CAN YOU IMAGINE?  Sorry Dad, I know I convinced you it was because of the profession I had chosen and I truly have no regrets – but YES it was because of the boy. 

I have said it many times, but I will say it again.  When I crossed the finish line of my very first marathon in NY City, I cried to myself almost immediately thinking that running is my passion and mine alone!  No boy got me into running.  In fact, I found running at the age of 12.  I joined my middle school track team and never looked back.

Don’t get me wrong.  Boys are still a part of my world.  I spend time with those who deserve my time.  

I actively internet date seeking my man (which truly I know God will provide me in his time), but my dating is only a part of my life.  I’m too busy with the activities that God has blessed me with that are truly MINE!

If I start losing myself and getting into my “unhealthy” weight gaining and depression “mode”, I most certainly am aware I might be too deep into my boy addiction.  

So for those of you who suspect you too may be opposite gender addicted, please reach deep into your soul AND FIND YOUR PASSION.  This is your God-given talent and the purpose that God wants you to pursue during your journey on this earth.

BELIEVE AND GO FOR IT!  Thank you for reading.

Fitness first…

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 Happy Sunday.  There is no better way to combat “boy addiction” from my perspective than by engaging in a form of fitness you are passionate about.  I recently had a woman from my Dad’s church, who is a reader of my blog, tell me a great story and inspire me for this week’s blog.  

Her story, like mine, relates to how her passion for fitness helped make her into a stronger woman who would not take “nonsense” from a boy.

She told me she developed a love for karate.  And karate made her stronger.  She had come out of a bad marriage and learned the skills of strength and self- love.  As women, this to me is invaluable.  She shared a story of when she was on a date during her single years after her divorce, she had a boy try to “grope” her inappropriately while riding in a car with him.  She told him she was prepared to use her karate move and use her palm to slam his chin and made him pull over the car and call a taxi to pick her up.  He quickly accommodated her request. 

 I was so pleased she shared her story with me for many reasons.  First, she explained her blog to her husband who was with her when she told me her story.  She told her husband my blog helped women to feel empowered.  I was happy to hear her impression because that is exactly the point of my blog. (along with explaining how dangerous boy addiction can be)  Second, she felt inspired to share honestly with me her crazy dating story.  Honest communication with another person is what truly is healing in my opinion.  So very happy my blog is inspiring people to do just that – to be honest.  Third, she pointed out that it was a fitness activity that makes her feel empowered.  This I understand COMPLETELY!

 It is my running that keeps me healthy and strong and feeling like I can do anything.  Heck, if I can run marathons, then I can certainly restrict my addiction to boys.  I can run away…
 

People keep asking me “Leslie, what are you running from.”  For me it is more about what I am “running to”…I’m running to self-esteem, self-love, strength, wisdom, health, honest friendship, nature… YOU NAME IT!  There is NOTHING wrong with finding your fitness passion.  The boys will always be there.  And if God so grants me a man may that be the utmost finish line along my journey… 

 And I already promised my Dad, man or no man, I will NEVER stop running.