Attraction…

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Happy Sunday and happy blog day to my readers (daters and non-daters alike).   Today I’m going discuss an important topic if you are seeking your partner:  ATTRACTION.   It is an interesting topic and very pertinent in the world of dating.

I have always said for myself that boys are like light switches when it comes to me feeling attraction for them.  The switch is either “on” or “off” and this usually happens fairly quickly upon meeting someone.  I know this is a somewhat shallow way to think about attraction, but most women agree with me.  So if you go on a date you should know fairly quickly whether you have that attraction, chemistry, zing, flutter, whatever term you have for it.  My dear Aunt (may God rest her amazing soul) used to always tell me when I was much younger that to be in relationship with a boy, you must have this attraction.   I do agree.

However, Freud was intelligent enough to discover that what is attractive to we humans is similar to what we grow up in and are familiar with (our familial comfort zone I would call it).  Often we find we are attracted to those who treat us in similar ways as to how we were treated within our own homes growing up.   How we figure this out in a “light switch instant” is what the popular Oprah star Ianlya would refer to as “in our DNA”.  It is fascinating stuff for sure.

So for me, I like my boys rough and tough on the outside, but in need of the “fix” on the inside.  I’m a “fixer” for sure.  My high school boyfriend would always tell me I walked around with a capital “L” t-shirt on under my blouse ready to whip out my “SUPER L” in a moment’s notice.  I am a helper through and through.  It is part of my DNA for reasons I’m saving for my book.

This is not necessarily a negative quality in the least.  I’m a great caregiver and I receive great satisfaction from giving care.   But it  also lends to my learning that I must always practice self-care (a skill I can easily neglect).  Life is a balance and if I take on caring for others too “hard core” I wind up neglecting myself.  This is my constant struggle, but a battle I pray I am winning.

I challenge you to think about your attraction to the boy or the girl.  Think about what your pattern is and how you can grow and transform yourself.  Of course no great changes happen overnight or happen without the greater love of God.  But growth comes if you work at it.

Thank you for sharing in my lessons learned.

You have to like me to date me…

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hearts man woman

Good morning readers and Happy Sunday yet again.  The weeks fly by, but I seem to never run out of topics.  Today I wanted to write about something my ex-husband used to say, “To be with me you have to like me”.  Needless to say it turned out he and I didn’t like each other and that is why we are no longer together.  Sounds silly, but in thinking about this it truly is a much deeper lesson for us all.

Of course when boy and girl first meet there is typically a strong attraction.  As the picture details, usually girl gets attracted emotionally through her heart and boy gets attracted through his (well – take a look at the picture).  This is the initial attraction process.  However, couples grow into a much deeper level of attraction if they truly grow to like each other as people.  This takes time.

I am currently in a relationship with a boy who truly likes me.  And I am growing more and more every day to truly like him.  What makes us like each other?  Well, there are some very basic truths that I would be happy to share.

1.  We both have loving families who support us.  Having this in common really makes us appreciate this in each other.

2.  We have the same values.  I am VERY politically liberally and into social justice and it turns out not only is he, but his children are too.  It is SO NICE.

3.  We have the same sarcastic sense of humor.  It is so nice to have someone I can laugh with all the time who completely “gets me”.

4.  He always appreciates the little things I do.  He is always thanking me for the small stuff.  Something I do with him too, so it is REALLY nice and refreshing to get this in return.

5.  He is an amazing listener.  Sadly, I cannot say this about myself, but I’m trying to get better at this.  I am learning from him.  He never complains when I go on and on about my running.  And for those of you who really know me, you know I can talk!

6.  He is a GREAT father.  Having a great father myself, I truly respect the value in this.  His children adore him and this means a lot to me.

7.  We are always happy when we are together.  I cannot remember a moment when we were together that we’d rather not have been.  We truly enjoy each other’s company.  He always tells me how he feels he can be himself with me, and I feel the same way about him.

I could continue, but I’m trying to drive home the point that I’ve spent a lot of years with boys who didn’t like me or I didn’t like them.  There was arguing and strife.  I’m learning through my current relationship that it doesn’t have to be this way.  Nothing is perfect.  There are and always will be issues to try to work through as a couple.  Perhaps we will stand the test of time and perhaps we won’t.  Relationships are fluid and one day at a time.  But it is so nice to have the “right stuff” as a base to work from.

I pray for this for you in all of your relationships.  One day at a time…

Thanks for reading.

Living in a Material World…

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Happy Sunday!  I’m coming off a “rich wedding high” today thinking about the great things that come from living with wealth.  I was a guest at an amazing wedding yesterday taking in the sights, smells, and sounds of true luxury.   Quite honestly, I have never experienced “rich” to this degree and I must say that no one in attendance could help but feel some degree of envy for living this way.

However, driving home and coming back to reality has me thinking about my life and what truly matters.  What comes to mind is that I have love.  So much of it that some times I feel as if I’m on “love overload” never being able to return as much love as I receive from those in my life.   And I can honestly say this means more than material things.

In terms of dating and relationships, money is very important.  But after many frightening experiences with boys and money mismanagement, I realize that it is more about self-care and not compromising my money management values.   This can be tough for me, as I am a care taker by nature, but believe firmly in self care first.

What I am most grateful for is a career in which I am able to take care of myself and plan for my future (and enjoy my life).  I no longer plan to sacrifice my sense of financial security for a boy.  And I do believe it is a man’s role to help a woman feel secure in a relationship in terms of money management.  I do not need a mansion, luxury vehicles, or trips around the world (although I would gladly go).  What I do need is to feel safe and secure with a boy/man.

Feelings of safety and security for me start with communication and trust.  All of this takes loads of time.   So for today, my job in life is to sit back, relax, and see if the boy slowly becomes the man.  This girl/woman needs to get back to her job and her running tomorrow.  Back to the real world.

But oh the fantasy is so much more fun…

Thank you for reading…

Celebrating Your Independence!

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Happy Sunday and Happy Fourth of July!  I recently met an elderly women suffering the loss of her husband of 57 years whom was truly “a man” and whom she was very close with.  What I heard through her honesty in sharing her pain with me was she was so fearful she may lose her independence.  At age 86, she was an avid horseback rider and was proud to tell me she rode her horse right up until age 85 when she could no longer care for her horse.  Of course I asked if her husband rode and she responded “no, he was a golfer”.  She adored her husband and let me know that all he wanted her to be was happy during their long marriage.  This got me thinking about the importance of independence for both single people and for people in relationships.  Independence is a value that I truly believe is part of the human soul.

As for myself, having been single and in relationships, I have learned the value of my own independence.  For example, you all know running is so very important to me. Whether I’m with a boy or not, I will NEVER stop running unless my body speaks to me and tells me I can no longer run.  I am aware that this is always a possibility, so I treat my body as best I can in order to keep doing what I love.  Good boys like that I run.  Bad boys never want me to be my independent self.    I can happily see them coming from a mile away these days.  I once dated a boy who was of South American decent thus being a darker complexion than myself.   He had the nerve to tell me I was “too white” and should consider tanning more!

I was so grateful he showed me his controlling side very early on and I broke it off with him.  Any boy who tells me what I “should” and “should not” do, will “hit the road”.  These boys are “independence suckers” and certainly will not support my running or me as a person.  My advice to my readers is to look for the signs of boys trying to steal your independence and keep it moving.

The boy I am with today likes that I run.  He doesn’t understand my passion and often jokes that “I’m crazy”, but I must agree that when I get up at 4:30 a.m. to get my speed work done before I go to work, I often think I’m crazy too.  But a great crazy.  He whole heartedly agrees!  And it’s nice.

So a very happy Independence Day.  Celebrate your passion.  And thank the boy, girl, man, or woman who supports you in your passion.  The boy can be a golfer, but if he loves you for riding your horse then he is a “keeper”.  That elderly woman told me her man was “one in fifty million”.  She made me wear huge smile knowing that it only took me 44 years to understand the value of respecting your partner’s independence in a relationship.

Thank you for reading.