Happy Sunday! Once again as part of my truth-telling I have decided to end my relationship. I am VERY SAD to write about this but feel it is important to my journey and my blog. I have been told that I “scared him away”. He is in a very different place in his life. Because of his reality, I’m sure I am scary. For me, this means that I’m holding to my standards and expectations of my man and letting go of my boy addictive behaviors. AND IT IS REALLY HARD FOR ME. There were so many great things about spending time with him (as I’ve been blogging about) so once again choosing to be alone is hard. The trick is fighting feeling lonely.
I’m learning that being alone can be empowering as long as I can combat my feelings of lonely. Lonely leads to my boy addiction behaviors. Lonely leads me to accept things about boys I should not accept as I am not being true to me. If I stay in a relationship to not be lonely, the other bad feelings creep in such as unhappiness and unfulfilled expectations of my partner. This causes arguments and drama that are very unhealthy for me – been there, done that. So today, since I am once again single, I’m continuing to do the things to combat lonely. I keep doing them whether I’m with someone or not and I’m proud of this!
Running, being with friends, being with family, and embracing my new career are a big focus for me. This helps tremendously. Today, as I write on a Saturday, I’m headed into the city to visit with my newly married cousin (I adore his wife too) with my Dad (my rock). Tomorrow I meet my beloved running partner Rose to embark upon a day of running and biking. Sounds fun right?
Life is worth living. A relationship is a choice. My concept of a man is my choice. What a man means to me is extremely subjective and personal. I don’t expect many members of the opposite gender to truly understand. And when they cannot live up to my expectations and don’t care to understand what I need from them, I do expect them to be angry. Makes sense.
I think the hardest part is the world of Facebook. I have chosen to be public with my life and when I put a picture of he and I on Facebook, I received so many positive responses (more than when I finish a marathon) that I feel embarrassed to admit that he and I didn’t work out. In fact, the first thing he asked me to do was to take our picture off Facebook, but due to my embarrassment I have not gotten myself to do it quite yet. So many of you are so happy for me when you see me in partnership with someone. I thank you. And I’m saddened to say it did not work out. But I’m also ok with telling you. And he is a great boy. In so many ways he is very adorable and has a heart of gold. He is just not my man. And he knows too (and he reads me, so I pray he forgives my truth and chooses not to be angry at me – a tall order, but since he is so good I expect he will come around).
I’m ok with choosing to be alone until I don’t scare the right man away. He is out there…
One day at a time…
Thank you always for reading.